Spiritual Desolation and Seasonal Depression
Happy Lord’s Day!
Friends, as I mentioned in my post announcing my leave from Social Media, I am (and usually do this time of year) experiencing seasonal depression. I thought I’d write about the experience I’ve had with seasonal depression and what I’ve felt not only during but after, spiritually and emotionally.
If you’re like me, your spiritual and emotional health mostly go hand in hand. I often feel closer with God when I feel better about myself mentally. But when you’re not sure you can feel anything at all, or have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, it begins to be difficult to cry out to God.
Now, I would like to preface the rest of this blog by saying I am a very charismatic in my relationship with God. He is a friend to me, and while I know that God is more than a sensation or comfort to me, God does move in an intangible way like our feelings. God wants to unite with us not only in salvation but in life because He loves us. He wouldn’t be a Father if He didn’t want to share His love with us.
And so I continue with this experience, that the other day I took a two-hour shower “so that I could feel something”. When I woke up that morning, I felt empty. If you have not experienced anything like that, imagine walking alone in a desert. My heart was desolate, wandering in nothingness tirelessly. I knew that it was the beginning of a long road this fall, that I would have to battle that feeling until Christmas- and it would only get worse closer towards Thanksgiving and the beginning of December.
And so I took radical action, I put my heart into the hands of Jesus. Sometimes those of us in desolation forget to just simply lay it all on Jesus. When we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of our hearts, Jesus always accepts the sacrifice. I can’t say that I feel better, but I know that Our Blessed Lord, who took on human nature, then a bloody death upon a cross, would do so much better with my heart than I. Who better to entrust it to?
Though I may wake up tomorrow and again do something just to remind myself I’m alive, the conclusion and reminder must ultimately be that God is so much greater and better than I, than you, my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, my plans, and my present. Whatever His will, my heart is His. All the pain, the sorrow, the desolation, depression, grief, anxiety, and even frustration is His to do away with.
I have experienced seasonal depression twice before, both in liturgically penitential times. First two years ago in Lent, last year it was during the fall and into Advent. At the end of each season, which at first seems unclimactic, I have a profound experience of the Lordship of Christ and union with His Sacred Heart. I am strengthened after every season, and with each desert my reliance on water weens. By that I mean, I am stripped of the things of this world and forced to put on Christ. There’s no better burden to bear than the one my Savior commands I do, and it is light, as His yoke is easy.
If you are experiencing desolation of the heart, please pray this prayer with me:
“Lord Jesus, I give you my whole heart and soul. From the top, to the bottom, both the innards and outwards. Take my heart, Lord, and mold it to your pleasure, with your love and kindness. Make me to love you, my neighbor, and myself, greater each hour. Lord, create in my heart the blessed image of your passion, and replace all my innards with yours, and all my outwards with yours, so that I may share love with you in the way you will.
Come Holy Ghost, dwell within my heart, so warmly made and molded by your Word, so that I may have your comfort, peace, and joy until I join with you in eternal glory.
Amen.”
Did I just preach to myself? Absolutely. But I hope you got something out of it also. Happy Lord’s Day!
Chris
